Not getting any better

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RE: Not getting any better

by StanToronto on Sun Aug 21, 2016 12:35 AM

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You seem to have a family setup quite similar to mine, except for the family closeby part. Having family nearby can make more of a difference than I ever realized.  

Stephen recently said, "No matter how hard I try, how much I pray to our Lord and how much my children and family try to distract me, make me laugh, encourage me or show me their love . . . ."

When my kids recently took a three week cross-continent camping vacation, it became so quiet and lonely around here, that I pretty much fell apart! It was only then that I realized that while they can never fill the giagantic hole in my heart, they are the glue that holds everything else together. I have been together with them all day today. What a wonderful day! We were all together for a funeral!! <grin>

Even a call from their cellphone while they are on their way to or from work makes big difference in a day.

And correction: No, Ethel and I were not engaged 3 weeks after we met, but is was 3 weeks after our first date a couple months later. :-)

Ethel was God's good and perfect gift to me:
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father. (James 1:17) Gifts of God are irrevocable. Romans (11:29)"

RE: Not getting any better

by StanToronto on Sun Aug 28, 2016 02:15 AM

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Stephen, thanks for sharing your experience. I have been approached by a couple of 'interested' chicks, but they are just SO far from "the best thing that ever happened to me", that I have no interest whatsoever. And then I take a look at all the available females/widows I know out there, and while might possibly enjoy their mutually supportive friendship, but that's it.

I know most people don't think like this, but I have chosen to honour a sacred vow, and intend to honour it in every way uncompromised, in thought, word, and deed. Afterall, she is the only ray of hope remaining in my life.

I am not suggesting that anyone else should do it my way. Everyone is different. But I have a very strong sense of maintaining an uncomplicated life until we meet again. And I think my kids sense the very same thing. During our time of grief, our inspiration is pretty much like this:

"Our family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same,
but as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again."

No one of us wants so much a single link of that chain to ever change.

RE: Not getting any better

by carrieg55 on Thu Sep 08, 2016 04:16 PM

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Hello Everyone,

It's been a while just thought I would check in. I have been having a lot of problems trying to log on and even to write a post so wish me luck.....

It has been 2 years and 4 months since I lost my sweet hubby, I see the original title of this thread is "Not getting any better" what I have discovered since my loss is that life does go on...some days are better then others......Labor Day was a milestone we moved into our home 13 years ago on labor day, I thought back and wished I could turn back the clock life seemed so much better then.

I spent the day with my grandsons Caleb is 12 & Nathan is 15, thank God they still enjoy our outings, we went on a segway tour, I have to tell you I kept thinking what the heck am I doing but, I never let on that I was nervous.

Life has definitely had some twist and turns since Jimmy passed, I went home to Illinois for a few days, I had my reservations made for almost three weeks I was trying to get home to see my lifelong friend to say our final good byes, we have been friends since 3rd grade my friend was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer sqaumos cell carcinoma the exact cancer that took my hubby. I did not get to see her  I did make it to the memorial not exactly what I had hoped for ..........guess the Lord had other plans.

My neighbor passed in May she was only 62 she was the sweetest person you ever want to meet, she was battling brain heart goes out to her husband his journey on this road we have been on has just begun, there will be all those "firsts" without her the first year has to be the worst.

I have dated ..........I agree no one will be able to fill those shoes......I wouldn't mind a friend of the opposite sex....maybe someone to have dinner with, maybe see a movie.....even a few phone calls I have come to the conclusion if they also lost a spouse they know the road we are on, they also are experiencing the same ups and downs, the good and the bad days, the challenges.

Life is for the living, I am trying......

I have returned to one on one counseling it seems to work I am seeing the same counselor that I seen while Jimmy was sick it seemed easier that way she knows me, she knows my history.

When my hubby was battling cancer I remember praying and asking God please don't take my mom and hubby in the same year I will not be able to handle that, God did answer that prayer along with many mom is 87 she has dementia and a whole gammet of other health issues, I do see her declining I am not sure if she will make her next birthday 1/1 I still thank God for letting us enjoy her this long she has lived a long life and a good life that is all we can ask for, I do pray when her time comes the Lord will have mercy and not let her suffer.

Life just keeps going we are either in it or not......don't get me wrong there are days I just can't deal with I allow myself time that is the best I can do.

As they say we are all in this together .........

Wishing you all the best


RE: Not getting any better

by Marie55 on Fri Sep 09, 2016 02:48 AM

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Hi Carrie, it was great reading your post today. I often think about how you are doing since we were both sharing and posting in 2014. Life sure does have its twists and turns. I am still volunteering, taking classes, helping two friends who are stage iv cancer... I have joined a meet up group, and active now in my church. The house is still standing so my husband would be proud all the house and yard being maintained. No dating... I was so heartbroken ... but life goes on so I never rule out anything at this point. Maybe someday the good Lord will again put someone extra special in my life. Good to hear from you....

RE: Not getting any better

by bobss396 on Mon Sep 12, 2016 02:44 PM

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Tomorrow will be 2 years and 3 months without Barbara. I stay busy with work and keeping the house going. I have to force myself to do things that used to come automatically.

Someone tried to fix me up with someone last month, but she wasn't even remotely interesting to me. I feel that when the right one comes along, I'll know it.

RE: Not getting any better

by eternalife on Mon Sep 12, 2016 09:40 PM

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Hi Carrie,

Glad to see you returned to the site, I can sure understand all that you feel and the " moving forward" routine. At times, I feel I am doing what is expected for me, but doesni't always make sense. I am in this new life for just over 3 years . I have teaching part time, ice skating , meeting up for lunches and coffees with lady friends,( not the same as having a guy friend) LOL... started up a Merry Widows group we meet every few months at each others for dinner and major yak sessions, again still feels so weird without my Mark though... have learned to play bid euchre, returned to knit and sew when I feel like it... stay connected with those who understand and want to be my friend not because I am a widow.. so sympathy friends anymore.. the ones who are married don't get , never will.. just look and show little connectedness... only consumed with their own little world.. almost like they don't want to understand.. I think they figure if they don't entertain the thought it will never catch them.. kinda like a virus.. if they stay away from the infected person they won't get the disease.. no I am not bitter just have over 3 years that this world can be a selfish one and have learned without Mark to take care of myself one day at a time.. I have had several men intimate, they would date me, however they do nothing for me, I will know if and when the right guy comes along and no divorcees... ha ha.. will never know the real story.. so my friend, you are not alone on this journey... be good to yourself... I can only say losing a spouse makes one look closely at who you are and who one wants to become. I will attend a mission on my church today and will pray for all of us.. to continue on this life journey with God's will and his grace.

Take care,

Best and sending cyber hugs

RE: Not getting any better

by eternalife on Mon Sep 12, 2016 09:45 PM

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pardon the typos... didn't proof read...

RE: Not getting any better

by sandy26 on Fri Sep 23, 2016 08:17 PM

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My husband has been gone 9 months today and I thought I was doing better - then it's like all these memories flood back in to my head. My life just seems like I'm in a fog. I try and have fun. I've been on vacation to Alaska to meet up with some childhood friends, I had not seen them in 40 years. So that was a good time... but in the end...that's it. You go back home and it's lonely and sad. I miss my old life and I know it will never be like that again. I am moving forward one day at a time. I thank God for my kids and grandkids and friends. They have helped me pull through. As for another man in my life. That will never happen. I have friends who say " never say never" and I tell them I'm going with Betty White's philosophy. "If you've had the best, who needs the rest?"

I love and miss my husband everyday and I still cry before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning. I think to myself - another day without you. So sad. I hate cancer. It has really messed up so many lives.

Best of luck to all of you. I know your pain. I am not looking forward to the Holidays. I hate christmas. I lost my dad on 12/18 and my husband on 12/23. So messed up.


RE: Not getting any better

by mieczy on Fri Sep 23, 2016 09:36 PM

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It will get better with time. I lost my partner of 38 years (from when I was 18) , 15 months ago after having him care for me for 4 years of cancer treatment, so I understand what you feel with loosing a life long friend and husband. I feel guilty I survive and have poor health and he died from sudden death syndrome. Nothing found on postmortem so deemed to be a cardiac arrythmia. He was normally so fit and healthy cycling 20 miles a day. It was ironic he died and I survived.

Yes you can fill your life up, but when the exciting things happen and you go back to an empty house again it really hits you just how much you miss him. When you have something exciting and new you have to tell him and he's not there.

Life will never be the same, everyone else moves foreward and they soon forget about your situation as they go about their own lives. You find invitations drop when you are no longer a couple. It might be worth joining a bereavement group just to chat and get things aired. I have a friend also bereaved so can chat to her without causing upset and she understands. It helps. We recently discussed other men and both were of the opinion we had great partners and friends and would never want a replacement. We have our happy memories. I still have plenty male friends through voluntary work etc  but I don't want another partner. We were lucky, what we had was special and we were happy. When you do feel down, look at old photos, shed a tear and think how lucky you were with one another. Think of the good times and be happy that you had them. Then the next day make sure you go out in the company of family and friends and be able to say that you were feeling down, but feel better for getting out and chatting and look foreward to what your doing with them. It may be worth seeing a psychologist if you are still crying every day. Just to allow you to work through your feeling and thoughts. I did this an it does help to speak to a stranger. I also do voluntary work. It forces me out and to contact the outside world and stops me thinking about my problems and focus on other issues. Otherwise I would stay in bed all day and hide from the world.

I hope this helps a little if you are in a bed place just now. I am sending you warm hugs and love and hope you find some peace. xxx

RE: Not getting any better

by mieczy on Fri Sep 23, 2016 09:54 PM

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HI Sandy,

I forgot to put your name on my post , It was a reply to you,

Yes, I think you should give Christmas a miss this year, and do not let anyone make you feel guilty about that. Spend the day remembering the good times with your Husband and Dad and what they did that made you the person you are. Try to concentrate on all the positives.

Lots of hugs xx

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