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from cured to Stage 4 incurable... in one visit.

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from cured to Stage 4 incurable... in one visit.

by bluedawg on Sat Dec 24, 2016 03:20 PM

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On 05/10/2013  I had a biopsy of a mass in my lung and some lymph nodes as well. It showed definitive evidence of non-small cell carcinoma. I had chemotherapy to shrink the tumor then surgery to remove it. My surgeon said he “got everything out clean” I was happy. At that point they were “aiming for a cure” I thought I was cured. I was working part time nights and hoping they would hire me full time. 

On June twelfth 2015 more lymph nodes in the same area came back: NEEDLE ASPIRATE LEVEL SEVEN (7) LYMPH NODE POSITIVE FOR MALIGNANT CELLS. ADENOCARCINOMA. Since it was the same area as the original cancer it is safe to say they didn’t get it all out the first time around. Bummer. So I had radiation tx along with chemo to get rid of that cancer… they were still “aiming for a cure”. I realized my job was not going to ever hire me full-time when I saw them start to hire full-time people around me and still would not hire me full time. I began to put two and two together and realized it was because of my Cancer. So I started going to school for Clinical Laboratory Science and eventually left the part time job to persu school full-time as it took all my energy.

Now as we begin 2017, some large lymph nodes appeared in my abdomen: CYTOLOGIC DIAGNOSIS: 1. FINE NEEDLE ASPIRATE NODE, CELIAC AXIS LN POSITIVE FOR MALIGNANT CELLS. ADENOCARCINOMA OF LUNG ORIGIN.

So now they consider me stage 4 insurable. How strange it is to go from feeing called “cured” to “stage 4 insurable” in a matter of minutes. 

I have so many questions running through my mind… How do they know for sure it is not just in those few lymph nodes and not anywhere else. I mean maybe we just do the radiation treatments knock these out and that is the end of it? My Dr., said I can go for as long as a year after radiation without any treatments. Then he thinks I may have about ten years to live after that. I asked him to give me an idea of what I was dealing with and I know they can not say for sure. The thing is I don’t know if he was being overly generous… maybe I only have a year or two to live or maybe he is entirely wrong and I have 20. 

I am 50 years old. I did not know weather it made sense anymore to continue school. My Dr. suggested I do what makes me happy. It’s tough to vigorously pursue a secure future when I have less and less vigor and don’t really have a future. So, as my priorities have changed to make being happy today more important than planning for the future, I have dropped my classes for the coming spring semester… What’s the point? My plan is to make pottery, continue to volunteer at the wildlife center, take care of my parrots and make plans for them for when I am gone. I also sent that old part-time job a note to see if I can go back to work there part time for as long as I can work. This way I’ll have some money coming in to budget. 

I find these decisions so tough to make.. What to do. What not to do. Since I got the diagnosis I am having a stabbing pain in my left breast… I need to schedule a mammogram … My right eye was terribly bloodshot this morning… You begin to question everything. I am going to focus on cleaning the basement so I can begin pottery production. It is the holiday so there are no appointments to schedule for the next few days. Right now I need to go re0heat my coffee - Maybe that’s al I should worry about for now.

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