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des12's Message Board Messages

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I'm not even sure what a normal ok is anymore, but like you said baby steps. I go at that pace every day and wait to see what the next step should be.

Mary

Strange how we all could leave one post and it would all be the same. We had wonderful husbands and for that we were blessed. Also for that same reason we are hurting so. Ya know I keep going over that quote, "Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Some days I feel like it would have been so much easier to have never loved like this. Can't really make up my mind which way I'd want it.

I did move a week and a half ago, came down with pneumonia and a high fever the day before, go figure. I tried to tie up all the loose ends and couldn't quite do it. I've run myself so into the ground, the one guy moving me could see how down I was, maybe the tears gave it away. But it seems like since my husband has been gone, he sends His Angels now. It's happened so many times, honestly.

This big 6 ft. 4 line backer looking guy grabbed my boxes, retaped them, and spent an other half hr. grabbing all the things I couldn't seem to get to and next thing I know place was empty. Thank God for him, I was sick and overwhelmed.

So here I sit trying to figure if I'm better off, and still running away from some of the people who want to chat here. I'm the ame way, would rather stay somewhat withdrawn yet. There's an old friend of mine who lives here too and she also has been a Godsend. She put my kitchen together and emptied tons of boxes.

I sit here looking bewildered as usual. I have 4 grown sons, but the one with all the health problems and previous kidney, half a pancreas wanted to come help. I told him no, I didn't want him to be near me and get sick. But outside of that I'm alone.

Pam you made me laugh tonight, Pam's favorite words are it's all shit. I chuckled to see you still feel the same Pam. I agree. lol

God Bless,

Mary

Yes it was forever, time flew by and 40 yrs went by so fast. I try to get my kids to understand that I can't go out and replace him, but they don't get it. We were in our 20's mad passionately in love. Raised 4 boys, none ever spent a night in jail, Thank God. Went to their games, I got sick and he took care of me, then the tables turned and the big ca got him.

We watched them grow, graduate, danced at their weddings and I'm to go out and socialize?? Nah, ain't gonna happen. I try to tell the boys you can't tell your heart how to feel. It tells you !!

He treated me like a queen, told me every day how much he loved me, several times a day. I can still see and hear him so clearly. He passed away Aug. 2 and it has taken the life right out of me.

Ya know I never saw him age, he always looked the same to me as when we first met. So many people throw in the towel after a few months or few yrs., I can't understand it really.

May God comfort all of us who are hurting so.

Mary

I know Pam, my boys kept saying they would come and pack his stuff and looking around at everything was the exact same way he left it whwen I took him to the hospital for fluids and he never came out. I wasn't even strong enough to go around the other side of the bed and take the tv tray with his glass on it. Then it started hurting worse so I got mad,I think about 6 weeks later, can't really remember and grabbed everything and boxed it and donated it to his favorite charity.

I was saying to myself, "You're not coming back." I wish we were closer too Pam, but I think you know it probably wouldn't help much.The pain has to work it's way out, so they tell me.

I think about the Newtown tragedy and it reminds me that this world is filled with sadness. I live where the 4 firemen and police were killed on X Mas Eve too and 2 are now widows.

I guess we all had it so good and thought it would be forever. Knew in my mind it wouldn't be, but couldn't imagine it any other way.

I find myself praying that the next few yrs fly by so I can be with him again. That consumes me it seems. :((

Today is Richard's birthday and I left a balloon at the cemetery yesterday and mumbled why am I visiting you here?

I look 20 yrs older already, I guess your life does show on your face.

Enough said,

God Bless all of us,

Mary

 

Sorry I saw your post today,here it is January already. I still wander, moved again last Friday, wehat a screwed up life I've been living. If you can call it living. Nothing is the same, I cry on and off, some days not as deeply as I did, but the loss is still too great.

Mary

 

I'm not usually in this forum, but saw your message and wanted to make you aware of the fact that it may come from the kidney. My husband had kidney cancer and that's how it presented.

Don't want to alarm you, but I wish I had been more pro active in the beginning. Mention it to his doc.

On Sep 08, 2012 8:13 PM Paminnewbury wrote:

On Sep 08, 2012 1:54 PM psouthfla wrote:

I feel so sad for you ,  it is so fresh for you, I can't go back to that first 4 wks of hell,  I just wanted to die.  Now I'm just so confused and wondering around like someone I don't even know, 

From I could do anything, to this weak nothing.  I'm living someone else's life, not mine.  But it has to stop one way or the other, and soon, no one could live this life.  Or would want to.  I will have to get it together sooner or later, what are we to do just keep going on like this? 

The new baby should bring some joy to your life, they always say  for every death a new life shall be born.  Well maybe this can ease the pain for a second or minute, it is a new life and she will bring you joy. 

I always knew we are what we think,  and my thinking has been pretty awful lately,  no wonder I feel like this,  I have to try and make some kind of difference in my life,  In the AM I will try to go to Church, but I 'm still mad at God also. silly isn't it?  What the heck I ticked off at everyone, very selfish of me once again.  To include one more thing, I don't like this person I have become.   I cleaned out some of his clothes , still have alot left.  Shoes all the stuff, just so much stuff.  Cleaned under his sink, kept all his shaving stuff stacked neatly in the back, I could not throw it away. It just looks so orderly,  he never was, it looked like a jumbled mess under his sink.  I used to laugh, and say what a mess. He say don't worry I know where everything is.  In fact this place is to clean, looks like no one lives here,  they don't , just me in a bedroom of saddness.  Some days I just want to sell and relocate to a small town and just start over again, just to get away from here.  I may just do that, well another weekend of nothingness.

 

I am being so selfish I hope your son will be ok you also have a new baby to greet I hope we can keep in touch I just can't talk to anyone face to face X

I know I could write all the same words, but thy've been written exactly as I feel too. It's too bad we all probably live so far away from each other because I have a feeling that if we're all walking around like zoombies in the same rm. eventually one of us might pick up on it and we'd laugh for a change.

We get my son's results Tues. I was so worn today I went up to see him for less than an hr. I lasted. But at least his wife was coming and he was so restless too, I could see it. I asked the nurse to get him some ativan. She said well it's hard to get a doc on the weekends and I said call a resident. She did and I guess he got it. He's been so busy trying to be strong and facing all of this, none of us have had a chance to really grieve I guess. His brothers are all wandering but God knows, nothing like me.

 

God Bless All,

Mary

All I can say is try to keep remembering those funny little things instead of all the other things that haunt us day and night. My husband was so good looking too, I used to have to beat girls off of him and as he got older it actually got worse. They like distinguished looking men.

I truly believe they have never really left us. I feel my husband all around me and I've had so many times only in the past 5 weeks that he has solved some problems. He was a real prankster too, the only time I laugh is if I think about the funny things he did and I went along with some. :) Well mostly all, as I'm sure you did.

I told my eye doctor to cancel my cataract surgery between my son and hubby I said I'm not done crying yet. I'll call you when I am. lol

He said I had washed out all the sugars and salts in my eyes. Think about this new baby, I know it's hard but our children should live a full life too. I'm praying my son who is cut from stem to stern will be ok when the results come Tues. the 10th I think it is.

I'm sitting here sobbing because I too lost the love of my life 5 weeks ago, Aug. 2. I can't tell you it will be ok, but the one thing I did was asked the Lord to prepare my heart. We have been together almost 40 yrs. 4 grown boys

Nine months ago they broke the news to us that he only had 3-6 mos. to live due to the doctor telling us he had gotten all the kidney cancer last July, 2011, only to find out 4 mos. leter he was actually stage IV and chemo doesn't work on recurrences.

If that isn't bad enogh my second oldest son went to the hospital every day along with the other boys and never told me once that he was going through many tests before coming up. The bottom line is they took his spleen and 1/3 of his pancreas day before yesterday. The surgeon swore he'd seen this many times and the pain and all indicated cancer. More prayers of course and I wasn't even sure I could last the horribly long surgery (8 hrs.).

So far the surgeon came down after 7 that night and told me and his wife who is expecting their second baby that it looks benign. So I've had this horrible burden to face since the day of the funeral.

What I want to say though is I asked God to prepare my heart as so many told me you have to let him go, when it came to my husband. I kept saying I'm not ready, I can't say that. The Winter came, X Mas was spent in the hospital as was the New Yr. Big deal !!

My heart is torn as the other half is really gone now. I barely clean and that's all I did in between chemo and radiation treatments and then go down cellar and cry. I made sure he was always comfortable with some kind of med, I was right there and ran, until I fell down the stairs and shattered my shoulder. He wound up getting out of his sick bed to pick me up off ther basement floor. And I told him he didn't have the strength, but he got me up anyway and I told him to call an ambulance as I was in such shock and pain.

We went through so much in that nine months and the Lord did prepare my heart to an extent. I got to the point of not wanting to watch any more suffering and actually felt relief as soon as it stopped.

Yes I'm broken hearted and no one does understand how I feel either. No amount of advice will change that. I don't want to go out either and when I think I can't cry anymore, the tears still stream down my face. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm crying.

We're waiting for Tues. for the final pathology report to tell us about my son. He also had kidney cancer almost 5 yrs. ago, so it was a double worry here.

I was sure we werwe going to be the few who have beaten this too, but it didn't happen. I've lost so much weight and most of my strength even though I try to go through the daily motions, I too finding that staying home is best for me. Maybe it isn't but everywhere I go reminds me of us.

We did everything together. That spunky lil hubby of mine even showed up at ER when I broke my shoulder. I couldn't believe he got in the car and came over.

I read and article on the internet about BHS, it's called Broken Heart syndrome by the docs. We are at high risk right now of illness ourselves. Try to take care of youselves the best you can. Great advice coming from me but I'm 63 and I could care less right now.

God Bless all of you,

Mary

On Aug 17, 2012 3:48 AM MamaB wrote:

Hi Des,

I am truly sorry you and your family have been through so much heartache.  I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that your darling husband is no longer suffering.

I did not know you son has RCC; how horrible!  I pray he comes through the surgery just fine and has a complete recovery.

Please take some time for yourself; try to let your body recoup from all you have been through.  I am sure you will want to be there for your son and his family.

Please keep us informed about your son's recovery and the new baby they are expecting.....a new baby has a way of brightening dark days!

Our little granddaughter was only one year old when I was diagnosed in 2007 with Stage IV, RCC with mets to the lungs....she has been such a blessing to both my husband and myself.  I tell everyone that she is my little Angel; I feel like God knew what I was about to go through and He sent her to help me get through it.

Des, my heart goes out to you and your family and I pray that God is there with you to lighten the load.

Prayers and blessings,

B

Hi Mamab,

Thank you and so glad you're doing well. I'm praying to God to give me the strength that I'll need here in the next few weeks. I'm not well, haven't been for 10 yrs. and my only answer to where I found the ability to care for my husband was truly God's hand in this.

But I feel like someone knocked the wind out of me again with the same thing during the same time. I'm really in a daze, but again finding myself praying for hope for my son.

Des

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