glitzy12944's Message Board Messages

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RE: How Do You Handle?

by Glitzy12944 - October 20, 2014

It gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone, that we are not alone in this journey.  It may feel like it.  I always thought that there was a way around grief, some secret passage that I could just avoid and get to the easy part.  But as we all know in watching our loved ones pass (sometimes very slowy), there is no way around it, only through it.  Our journeys matter, our stories matter, our loved ones whom we lost, they matter.  Would it be easy to give up on life, to throw in the towel and say, I can't do it any long.  I'm sure like me, we have all had those moments.  But I know in my heart that my husband would want me to keep going.  To take the hard road.  To find something in life that would fullfill me and bring me joy, until my days were done.  I have that hope for all of you too.  As we cry and grieve together and alone.  So thankful for all of your friendships as we go through our own journey.  

How Do You Handle?

by Glitzy12944 - October 13, 2014

I'm still in my first year of widowhood.  And it's about to start the holidays.  Coming up next week is my husband's birthday.  And I feel sad.  I feel like sometimes I just want to avoid it, avoid paying any attention to the day.  But then the other part of me wants to honor it in someway.  I was thinking of doing a message in a bottle, having my son draw a picture or something and going to the beach and throwing it in the water.  How do you cope through the holidays? Surround yourself with people.  Avoid it and try to be alone.  I think for me it's a balance of the two.  Making plans with friends that are uplifting but finding the downtime to grieve privately on me own.  What do/did you do?

I can't believe it's been 6 months.  As much as I didn't want to believe it, it's true what they say, the first year really freaking sucks.  You have to go through all the holidays and birthdays and everything without him.  And I haven't had to go through that.  I am just trying to survive.  Wake up, get out of bed, shower and see where life takes me.  My heart is extra heavy today.  It's weird to think it's been 6 months since I've held his hand or heard his voice.  I have videos, but they are hard to watch.  Every day my son grows more and more to look like the spitting image of my husband.  One of my friends said it best, it's not only about surviving but about sur(thriving).  And how the day only holds the meaning that we give it.  Some of my widow friends post all this stuff on their facebook.  For me, it's more private.  Part of me wants to do something special, the other part, just wants to forget that today means anything at all.  I thought I could beat grief.  Like it was like an illness, but there isn't a way to beat it, like our spouses, only through it.

I miss you all so I thought I'd come back for some comfort.

I find myself struggling to find my identity without my husband.  Who am I without him, who do I want to be? What do I want to define me? Knowing how short life is, what do I want to do with my life?  I thought that knowing he was going to die would make this easier.  But it really doesn't not in the day to day.  I find myself feeling a sense of responsibility to do something with my life because he didn't get to live out his.  I feel lost.  I know that I'm putting my puzzle back together piece by piece.  But dang, if I could just find all the corner pieces, I feel like it might seem easier.  Day by day is tough.  Thinking of you all.

I really like Second Firsts by Christina Rasmussen.  You may not be there yet, but it helps for the days when I feel like wanting to be out in the light.  I also love C.S. Lewis A Grief Observed which I found to be very insightful.  

Yeah so what everyone says about not making big decisions the first year after your spouse has died, yeah they might be onto something.  I'm pretty sure moving was one of the hardest things ever.  We had only ever lived in that house, in that town together, and watching our lives be packed into boxes, driving away from the town, people and comfort of my life there to the unknown was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I am moved into my new house.  And it's adorable.  But man, unpacking and trying to get settled, sucks.  I am desperate to nest and make this house a home.  Everyone thinks I'm crazy and that I'm pushing myself, but I just want to feel settled.  And maybe the grief will be easier to bear.  Probably not, but at least I will have a cute house. I have been thinking of you ladies!

I miss you ladies and am feeling so disconnected from everyone here where I live, so I thought I'd reach out to you all.  If you feel up to it, maybe post a short update on what is going on in your life! 

I have two weeks to myself before the movers come to pack everything up.  I'm trying to do one annoying task a day.  Put my son in full time daycare so I can have a break.  And my dad who had been staying with us since my husband died, just left this weekend.  It's been very overwhelming.  Looking forward to a fresh start, but also scared to say goodbye and leave.  Never thought I would be leaving our house and this town without my husband.  Outlaws haven't spoken to me in a month.  

Your turn!

Someone told me today that some of our friends are "put off" by how I am dealing with my grief.  That because I look put together and smile and laugh that I don't miss my husband and I'm not sad.  Who would say such a thing?  Of course I miss my husband, every single second of every single freaking day.  And just because I'm not crying in the produce section of the grocery store, doesn't mean that on the inside I'm not sad.  I know it's people talking who didn't come by or know the whole story, but it still sucks to hear it being sad.  And by people I thought were close friends.  

Please say a prayer for me tomorrow, doing a big garage sale to get rid of a lot of stuff of mine and my husband's.  I know that typically, you wouldn't do something like this with him only being gone maybe a month.  It's painful and it sucks beyond belief but when I move in a few weeks, I want to take only the things that make me happy.  I about lost it when some lady was trying to haggle with me over the cost of something.  Luckily friends are coming tomorrow to help me out because I know it's going to be overwhelming.  

Just found out on Friday that one of our friends, who was very involved in the military side of helping my husband.  He came by several times.  I literally just saw him at my husband's funeral on base a few weeks ago, just took his life.  He was 29 and my husband and I became really close to him.  This grief on top of losing my husband, it's awful.  Please send me some good thoughts tonight.

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About glitzy12944

caregiver to husband with Stage 4 GBM. I have a 1 year old son. My husband has gone through surgery, radiation, chemo. He has been on hospice for the past 2 months.

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