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kerryfriend's Message Board Messages

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This is the first time that I have posted here on the bereavement board. My story started on October 5, 2011 when my husband was diagnosed with stage IV Pancreatic cancer with mets to liver. He had a port put in and started chemo the first week in Nov. All was going good and everything was shrinking till July when we go the news that the chemo stopped working and the cancer had spread. He was still doing good though and we were doing lots of things on his bucket list. We were shocked when Oct 11, 2012 when he was put on hospice. Little did I know that a week and a day later my loving husband would be gone. I feel so empty and alone these days. I am so mad that this had to happen. October 19, 2012 changed my life forever. My husband was my best friend, lover and soul mate. There are days that I just would like to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed. My daughter is a senior in high school and I am trying to keep it together for her. Even though he was her step dad she concidered him her dad. Everything in our home reminds me of him or some memory of him. I cry all the time. His clothes in the closet. Pictures on the wall. Laying in bed alone. I don't know that I will ever make it through all the pain I feel. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better. This coming from friends that have not been through this. I know that they are trying to help but no one knows the feelings and pain unless you have been through it. I don't know I just feel so alone.....

Thank you for listening and I pray for all of you and losing your loved ones.

I have had a very hard time since the passing of my husband. He passed away in our home on 10-19-12. Just a week and one day after being put on hospice. He was put on hospice on Thursday and the following Friday he was gone. Thursday and Friday we were still trying to process the news. He wasn't able to lay flat in bed for a couple of weeks before he passed. He was sleeping in his chair and I was sleeping on the couch to be closer to him. After going to sleep on Friday when we wake up on Saturday I was in such shock. He was so yellow and his eyes were so yellow. We were suppose to get together with family but I called and had them come to us. I value those days that in the early morning hours he was at his best. His speech was slow and sometimes sounded like he had been drinking but those first few mornings he was speaking clearly. He told that I was his hero, I said I am? Why is that? He said that I took such good care of him and he loved me and was so proud that I was his wife. I will never forget those moments. He was my soul mate, lover and best friend. I am having such a hard time with losing him. I am talking to someone now and am on meds. I am broken hearted and lost apart of myself. He was dx on October 5,2011 and was such a fighter. He had stage 4 with mets to his liver. Since his passing I have cried a lot with our Anniversery on Nov. 12, my birthday Nov. 15 and Thanksgiving. Christmas was his favorite holiday and I am trying to embrase it but I am so lonely. I am not sleeping and have been having bad dreams. This is the first time that I was there when someone passed. This was a life changing moment to see the love of my life take his last breath. I was not prepared for what I was going to see or hear. It has taken me this long to even be able to post anything on here. I continue to pray for all of you and fighting this beast. I hope that they can find a cure and find it earlier instead of late stages. Thoughts and prayers to all. Kerry

Thank you all so much for the kind words and prayers. I find myself having melt downs. I know that this day would come but just can't believe how quickly things turn down hill. Just Wednesday last week he was laughing and joking. Now he talks real slow and almost sounds like he has been drinking. Sleeps almost all the time. Although I have cheerished the time around 9pm when he is more awake. I don't want him to suffer but am so sad to be loosing him. He is my best friend and soul mate.

My husband had been fighting pancreatic cancer since October 5, 2011. This past Thursday we were told no more chemo can be done. They said that it could kill him. Said that it was time for hospice. Have a hospice nurse coming tomorrow. I am so scared. He is now yellow. He tries talking but is having a hard time. He is now talking like he has been drinking. Has trouble remembering things. He was doing so good and within like a day I can't believe how much everything has changed. He is sleeping almost all the time. I am heart broken. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Watching my best friend....I am angry, sad, fearful, want to scream!!!!!

As I have stated before. My husband has stage IV PC w/ mets to his liver. He had another PET scan done last Thursday and we got the results today. The mets on the liver are growing. He now has cancer in a bone in the base of his neck. Tumor in his stomach. Cancer in his pelvic area. It is spreading fast. Last scan was 2 months ago and so many new areas. Have an appointment on Friday to talk about this scan. God please let us have Christmas. Our Anniversary is in November and Christmas is our favorite holiday. My heart is breaking. I know I have to stay strong for him but I am not sure how much strenght I have left. It is so hard seeing him in pain and nothing I can do to take it all away. He is my soul mate and best friend. So uncertain on what else is next.....

Thank you all so much! I needed some uplifting. I will pray for you all and your family's. God bless.

Thank you for responding. I am sorry about your dad. I will be praying for you and your family. This had been so hard. We have a lot of family and friends that support us. I talk to them all the time but yet I can't help but feel alone. They try to help in what ever way that they can and we appreciate everything. It's hard to explain to them the feelings that I am feeling when they have not been down this road. I myself had no idea till we were told. A moment that I will never forget. The look on my husbands face and the look he gave me. Hoping that my husband is able to go on our cruise. We leave October 28 for the Bahamas. 7 days of fun and just the two of us. We have already went to New York City and went to the Statue of Liberty and the 911 Memorial. Things that were on his bucket list. My husband is a retired Navy Senior Chief. He served for 20 years and this was important to him to see. He also went with his dad to a Nascar race. This cruise is just another thing we want to do. Memories that will always be in my heart. You have never met me but you were right on about the feeling of grief. I am so sorry about you mom has to know these feelings. I am sad, mad, grief all mixed up into one. I keep it to myself so I can stay possitive for my husband. Taking your advice and going on date night tomorrow night. Dinner and some shopping for clothes for our cruise. May god bless you and your family. Kerry

My husband had been battling stage IV PC w/ liver mets since Oct. 5, 2011. He started chemo right away and it worked till July 2012. We than started on a new chemo and found out that it isn't working either. He has right side pain now and is having to take alot of pain pills. I am scared out of my mind. I don't know what is in store for us or what to expect down the road. He has started sleeping more. He is more quiet. Even though he is here I feel so alone. All I know to do is just be here for him and support him. Anyone have 2 failed chemo's and find one that worked?

Our journey started on October 5th, 2011 when my husband was diagnosed with stage IV Pancreatic Cancer with mets to his liver. He had a power port put in the first of November and started chemo. He had 18 rounds with all CT scans showing positive results till the last one that showed one of the lesions had doubled in size since April. He was than scheduled a PET scan two weeks later. Now showing a vein off the liver has cancer and 2 nodes in his pelvic area. His oncologist wanted to be agressive and started him on a new chemo combo. With 3 rounds of chemo and 2 weeks off before a new PET scan we are looking at 11 weeks to see if it is working. The bright spot is he went from having about 50-60 lesions on his liver to 5. His oncologist said that as advanced as his cancer was that people he has treated in the past with cases like his didn't even make it 6 months. Here we are still fighting and coming up in a couple of days at 10 months. My husband is feeling good. He is stable with his weight. He has gained about half of the 40 pounds that he lost back. Praying for some good news to keep the fight going. Praying for all that have this monster and keep the HOPE!

I am writing this today with a broken heart. My husband had his CT scan and now on 19th had his PET scan. The PET scan showed more than the CT. The PET scan showed hot spots with the liver, pancreas, a vein connected to the liver and two nymph nodes in his pelvic area. This is so sad since the CT showed that his liver went from 50-60 lesions on his liver to 5 and the pancreas is continuing to shrink. Looked so positive till yesterday when we got the results of the PET scan. We have an appointment with his oncologist on Tuesday. With nymph node involvement wondering if were going to hear those words "there is nothing more we can do".

We are so upset by this. My husband is eating good and gaining weight. Looks good. No pain. We were so possive and have had the rug pulled out from under us. He is my life and why this? I find myself feeling so angry right now. I just don't know what else to do....

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About kerryfriend

Caregiver
Pancreatic Cancer

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