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stantoronto's Message Board Messages

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StephenS.

Good to hear from you again. I admire your flexibility in being able to move on, but I am only approaching he 5 year mark. I am still stuck in the Gwen Flowers mode, and I know I have shared her thoughts with you before: 

"I had my own notion of grief.

 I thought it was the sad time

 That followed the death of someone you love.

 And you had to push through it

 To get to the other side.

 But I'm learning there is no other side.

 There is no pushing through.

 But rather,

 There is absorption.

 Adjustment.

 Acceptance.

 And grief is not something you complete,

 But rather, you endure.

 Grief is not a task to finish

 And move on,

 But an element of yourself-

An alteration of your being." -Gwen Flowers

I am pretty much stuck in isolation mode, which has been my comfort zone of refuge. Although I am surrounded by a very loving and caring family, sometimes I even prefer isolation to family get-togethers. 

A forum I have found helpful is the "Loss of Spouse" forum:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/LegacyLossOfASpouse/

The primary benefit I derive from that forum, is confirmation that I am completely normal, experiencing the same things as 99% of participants. People like you are indeed a rarity, with only about 1% who have remarried or desire to do so. Although stats indicate that 70% of such marriages fail withing the first year, they don't separate out those who are both getting married due to loss of a spouse. I have a friend who married a year after her husband died, and the first thing they did after the wedding, was to set up memorials in the garden for each of their lost spouses. And I noticed that all the pictures on her FB are pictures of her first husband and family.

I remember with my wife, it took about 10 years for a couple of very strong-willed people to settle into our new lifestyle, but as the years passed, the two of us merged as one united inseparable entity. At 78 years of age, I am rather fixed in my ways, and the thought of going through all of that again is beyond my physical, mental, emontional and time-frame capabilities.   

They say it takes about 3 years for the brain to re-wire itself into a new way of thinking. For me, even attempting to think of another woman causes my brain to go into immediate shutdown mode. A lot of people get angry with God after losing a spouse, but instead of focusing upon what I have lost, I focus upon, and thank God every day for the 50 wonderful years He gave us together, and the wonderful family I have because of her.   

RE: Losing My Best Friend

by StanToronto - April 16 at 1:18 PM

I have found the Loss of Spouse forum helpful.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/LegacyLossOfASpouse/

StephenS,
Missed hearing from you this year. Your posts are always so inspirational.

RE: Stage 4 pancreatic cancer gone!

by StanToronto - February 05 at 5:55 AM

Tought luck Denver. My experience with God over the past 70 years has been outstandlngly awesome! He has been with me every step of the way.

Your intense hatred of God, and everyone who believes and trusts Him is so transparent. The only one who harbors this much hatred towared our God, can only be a demonic servant of Satan, the destroyer. Ultimately, I figure that you are nothing more than a demon from the very pit of Hell, sent out to intimidate those of us who not only believe and trust God, but we love Him with our entire being!

Your hiddeous demonic messages are not welcome here. Our hope is based upon the promises of God. And if you hate that God, one day you will meet Him. Not a day for you to look forward to!!

RE: Stage 4 pancreatic cancer gone!

by StanToronto - October 09 at 11:58 AM

That is wonderful news Joy!!

eternalife >> "Like Steven... we can find love again.. just let your light shine."

I am now in the 4th year. When you say, "we can find love 'again'", I have never 'lost' love!

I have enjoyed wonderful God-given life filled with love, and that has not changed. The committment I made to my God-given bride over 50 years ago has never changed. There was no termination or exiry clause in our vows. I am convinced in my spirit, that the one He gave me for all those years ago, was part of His **eternal** plan for us, and there is absolutley nothing I would ever do to mess with that plan, because I fully trust God, and the confidence He has instilled in my spirit, that my wife and I are part of His perfect eternal plan.

 I am content to respect that plan for the remainder of my earthly life, and will never do anything to do with any kind of compromise of that plan in any way! Even if I am wrong, I love her so much, that it is worthwhile waiting and staying true to her until we meet again. I am not going to take the slighest chance that I might mess up something God has planned. I am going to trust His plan!

I wouldn't have the slighest problem in finding a new wife. After my wife died, they were lining up trying to take me out to lunch, perhaps not because I am so wonderful, but possibly a mere target. Having a female in the house is so annoying, that I recently fired my housekeeper!

When is comes to finding love, with a family of children and grandchildren, I already have more love than most people experience in ten lifetimes. God has taken my beloved for an instant of time, but trusting Him, I embrace His plan in every way.  

eternalife, it is always so wonderful to hear from you again.

While Stephen has chosen to travel a different path to ours, there certainly is certainly nothing inappropirate or immoral about his choice.

I am just approaching my 4th year, and life is hell!! And that's the way I expect it to be until I expire. 

I remember the day I asked "Will you marry me?"

And the day I said "I do."

And then there was the day my wife died, and a couple days later, I found a note she had left for me:

"I Love you forever"

To which I again declared before God, "I do!!"

That is the only meaningful future I can envision for me, to be reunited with the love-of-my-life, the one God gave to me 50 years ago . . . forever!

Punky, 

If you think that at 77 years of age, I am looking for some kind of conjugal relationship, that just means that you don't yet know what it is like to be that old. :-) That kind of relationship is not anywhere on my to-do list. You mention finding love once again, but I don't need to find love again. I am already blessed with more love than I can handle. I have a very close loving family: Two sons who married two sisters who are like daughters to me, and their parents are my best friends. Add to that four grandchildren ranging up to mid teens, and I have more love than I can handle. As might be expected, with a family like that, I don't have the time nor the need to explore any kind of friendships outside of the family. I can't imagine having the energy to take on another friend.

I don't want to discourage you from trying to help. I have really enjoyed your postings over the years. I tend to engage online with widowers who are dealing with similar challenges. We tend to understand one another, and I try to do my bit in helping others who are struggling with certain issues. Like just yesterday I received comments from a couple of widows that found my experience helpful. One said "What an inspiring legacy. She was lucky to have a man as wise as you. She also sounds like she was a wonderful woman. You worded that in a way that made me feel better and I thank you for that wisdom. God bless you." And another said "Thank u so much for those inspiring words!" So I have found a place where I fit in, and makes me feel at least somewhat useful.

I appreciate your input, and like you said, that although it might not work for me, it may be useful to others. Keep up the good work. 

Punky, When you refer to my "method of coping", I am not really coping, I am merely enduring. It's a lot like accounts I hear of cancer treatment. I know a doctor who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the same time as my wife. My wife 'lived' for 10 months. The doctor who lasted 40 months, availed herself of state of the art treament, with multiple surgeries, radiation and chemo. But the doctor didn't 'live' 40 months. For the most part she merely 'survived' 40 months. I am now enduring survival mode, because that is all there is left for me.

PD>> "did you and your wife ever discuss you having other relationships or remarrying after she passed?"

No, we didn't need to discuss it. After 50 years of sharing our thoughts we know each other well enough, that we already knew the answer. After my mother died, my father came to our home after the funeral. . . and never left!

So . . rule #1, and perhaps the only rule we ever had was: "Don't be a burden to the kids".

30 years ago, after my father moved in, in addition to a couple of kids who never left home until they were 28, we had no option but to buy a new home. So we ended up with spacious 10 room home with two dining rooms, which was well suited to our family lifestyle, accomodating frequent family celebrations of up to 50 people. Wandering around a large home like this, people ask if I have any plans to downside. I will never downsize. While I bought a house, but my wife transformed it into a home, and as I walk through my home, I see her touch in every room. After four years, I have left everything of hers, just the way it was the day she died.

During our final months, my wife never expressed any concern about dying. The only singular concern she ever expressed was being separated from me. For the most part, we lived quite a normal life, and she was painfree right up to the end. Then came the morning when something was revealed to her, and I believe it was from above, and God had told her it was time to say goodbye. She came me in a manner I have never before witnessed. She put her arms around me for the very last time, shaking and weeping uncontrollably, she said:

      "This is not fair! God is going to take me away without you!"

A few hours later, before she ever saw another sunrise, she had gone to her eternal home. A few days later, as I was going through her papers, a found a card she had left for me:

I love you

FOREVER!

signed

xoxoxo  

So when you asked if my wife and I ever discussed things like this, the answer is NO! But we always communicated! Our view of marriage, was always from an eternal perspective, and 'who God has joined together, is for eternity. God joined us together for 50 years, for which I thank Him every day. Do I know what happens between husband and wife when we are reunited in Heaven? Nope! But I love her enough that no matter what, I am not going to take any chances on contaminating such a precious relationship by messing around with a substitute. I need no substitude. She is enough to sustain me for the remainder of my life.

I hear about near-death-experiences where people meet their family intact. If that is even a remote possibility, I would never do anything to interfere with my vision of the future.

>>"I know that there are some people set on not "betraying" their deceased spouse, or have come to terms with the fact that they will never have another love in their life (and I respect those people). I just hope you are not one of them."

I am pleased to disappoint you, but I am indeed one of them! :-) My love for my spouse is enough to sustain me for all of eternity. There is absolutly no one out there that could come even close to the wondrous gift God has given to me for fifty years of my life, and I look forward to many more years together with her in eternity.

Just another perspective, but one that works for me.

Stan  

Stephen, From what I have seen on bereavement forums, your way of dealing with loss of a spouse is rare. I suppose I am amongst the majority who have no desire to engage in a new relationship, or remarry. I am just coming up to my 4th year alone. Some say 'time heals', but is hasn't for me, and I continue to struggle adjusting to my new life.

I think it is great that you have the resilience to make a new life for yourself and someone else. The main reason I couldn't do that, is that I have never felt unmarried, and that to even think of a new relationship would be cheating. :-( In addition to that, I am too old to work on a new relationship. I am 77 years old, and establishing a new relationship or marriage takes a lot of work, and more energy than I have left. I would probably be more of a burden than a help to a new partner. I haven't been able find anything in life that interests me, so it isn't much fun being around me. I have not handled the transition very well. 

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About stantoronto

Caregiver
Pancreatic Cancer

Age 76: Caretaker for my wife of 50 years.

Dx pancreatic Cancer Aug 2014.

Caretaker no longer needed Jun 2015. :-(

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